polarvoid | Inbox for ryslig

Max-!

[There's some irony, in this being the only thing that could have snapped Basil out of it. Not completely- that music is impossible to ignore, and the fact the instrument couldn't be more grimly perfect if it tried is not helping matters- but it's enough that he's able to wrench his mind out of the trench it was trying to bury itself deep within, ready to open itself like a book for Max's perusal. There's no saying that isn't still going to happen, of course. It's just been delayed, the inevitable.

Basil moves, his limbs acting of seemingly their own accord as he slides off the bed to land in a heavy impact on the floor with Max, crawling the last few feet towards her to try to help her sit up. He's not sure if she can get to her knees like this, what with her wounds...but he isn't just going to sit in a petrified little ball while she languishes on the ground, helpless.

But the brief distraction means that Basil is left open. His mind, vulnerable. He sits up even as he's trying to help Max up, his ears perking upright when the music catches him off-guard.]

D...do you remember...when I told you I fell into the lake?

[ It's embarrassing. Shameful. Max feels like she's drowning again, or— what was almost drowning, leaving her disoriented and sick, like it's her first winter in Hawkins again and she's stuck in bed with a fever.

(Lucas had wanted to come over, hadn't he, when she didn't come to school, thankfully he'd used her window, and it was how she got a walkie-talkie so they could keep in touch, her real induction into the Party—)

Max blinks away the memory swimming behind her eyes as Basil's little paws pull her up. Her shoulders shake with heavy breathing, autopilot from memories of being sick in bed and not something she actually needs. Leftover water in her lungs has it sound like wheezing. Like there's a little babbling brook inside her. Basil's assumption is very correct, as Max's attempts to push onto her knees only draw out more disgusting sloppy moss and an involuntary little whine. What this means is she's practically leaning on Basil. It's hard to look at him, and when he sits up she slumps against his side. ]

What? [ It's not what she's expecting. But she nods, antler brushing against Basil's arm. ] Y-yeah. I do.

[Why is he saying this? More importantly, why is he saying it now? This wasn't...what they were talking about- not that they had much of a topic of discussion to begin with- yet it's coming out of nowhere like Basil can't make any other words form. And it's because, in essence, he can't. He has to tell her something, otherwise he feels like something worse will happen.

So as Max sits up and leans against him, Basil immediately wraps his tail loosely around her. He's careful, the spines laying down against his skin so they don't accidentally poke into her. He just hopes it's enough to help her stay upright. He's so worried about her, and if this music weren't dictating his every thought, he'd be asking her if she was okay. He can hear the way her voice sounds when she breathes, like she's halfway underwater...

And really, that's what brings Basil right back to the words dancing on the tip of his tongue.]

I...it wasn't...

[Get away from me!!

He remembers how cold it was, when he crashed through the water's surface. He remembers...thinks he remembers someone jumping in after him, but he doesn't know who. Because soon after that the darkness swallowed him up, and then...

...]

I was...pushed. A-and I...I don't remember anything after that.

[ The water's in her ears. That must be it. That must be why she heard... ]

What?

[ Again. She asks again. Because this has to be— ]

You mean- y-you're... You died?

[ She's shivering. She can't stop herself from shivering, even though the cold's a concern of the past. ]

I don't...I d-don't know.

[He really doesn't know. But how is he supposed to come to any other conclusion? He doesn't remember being rescued the water, nor did it seem like he was in good shape at the time he does recall last. He's never been a strong swimmer...

Basil shakes his head a little, bringing his hands up to his face, his eyes wide because he didn't...want to tell Max this. But he did anyway. And it's made the guilt...not better, exactly, but maybe less heavy. Just by a fraction.]

I'm...I'm s-sorry, I don't know why I...

[This is why he didn't want to be around anyone. If he's liable to say anything right now, then-!

His breath catches, and the melody hits him again, like a wave crashing over his head, and the words tumble from his mouth unbidden.]

A-aubrey pushed me in...Sunny and Kel were t-there too, but...they weren't...S-sunny wasn't...he wasn't...

["Sunny" may be familiar, since he cried out for Sunny during his changes.

Aubrey certainly is, since he mistook Max for her, at one point.]

[ The barrage of names is very familiar. He'd mentioned them before, in this very room. His friends. The one who introduced him to them, the rest of them, the one whose name he screamed, the one who...

Her head feels like it's spinning. ]

She pushed you?! [ Something angry boils inside her. Angry and also- ] —Did y-you- think I was g-gonna... hurt you?

[ Too tired to cover her mouth, the question rushes out. A trembling hand reaches up, too late. ]

Fuck. Sh-shit, I'm sorry. I'm s- sorry, I knnn- I know...

[ No, everything's hurting. A dull pain, like feedback slowly screaming inside her. Because she doesn't know. She's still worried. She's always worried. ]

[Oh, that is definitely something Basil didn't want Max to connect the dots on. Aubrey = someone he's afraid of = Max could have stayed buried deep in some corner of his heart forever and he would have been fine with that.

And the worst part?]

No! I mean...I was...I was scared...

[It means he can't stop himself from answering her completely truthfully. It comes out no matter what, and now, well. They're both kinda just stuck with it, sitting on the floor of his room as they are.

For what it's worth, he has the decency to look horrified that he even would have suggested such a thing. Could have implied it. Because Max...it's differnent now. He doesn't feel that way anymore, he trusts her implicitly.

But that doesn't change the fact that that was how he'd felt before.]

It isn't your fault! There was so much going on...a-and I...I'd just gotten here...

[Years of bullying. Years of stress. Being overwhelmed. Thinking he'd potentially died...then being thrust (with good intentions) onto a trip, having Max- a partially changed monster- snap at him. It was a wonder Basil had managed to keep it together, back then.]

It- it's not...it isn't like that, I-

[ Ah.

No, that...

She's still shivering, but a tension present in Max fades away. She can't run from this. Can't do anything but sit here with everything she's been trying to keep inside. ]

I knew. I knew y-you were scared. You l-looked- so t-terrified, and it made me...so angry. [ She squeezes her eyes shut but her damn mouth keeps moving. ] 'Cause I couldn't- I couldn't blame you, 'cause I was- s-so hungry. I wanted to- I kept thinking- it would've been so- easy, I was- so scared I was gonna hurt you.

[ The wheezing's died down. There's still water in her lungs, leftover from the lake, and it makes itself known with just little gasps, born more of the tears running down her face than any futile attempts at breathing.

Her eyes look especially dull when they flick upwards. When she tries to see what sort of face he's making. The light around his horns blurs his expression, especially with her vision hazy as it is right now. ]

[Of course Basil knew, too, even back then. Maybe he didn't know it for sure because he'd only been there for four days, and the fact of their lives here hadn't had enough time to sink in. But he could assume plenty, just from how Max was behaving.

It would have been so easy. The thought rattles Basil to his very core, despite knowing he has no business to judge Max now for any of it. It's exactly what he thought, when he was stalking humans on the street, seeking prey but lacking the ability to take them out on his own. It's the only thought he had on his mind when he'd attacked Bakugo, trying desperately to rip his flesh from his bones with a fervor he never thought could be possible.

Max is crying, and it hurts to see just as much as it did back in the Pale. And then...the thoughts return.

It's his fault she's upset. If he could have kept his mouth shut, they could have just sat here together in silence. They would have been suffering still, maybe, but at least they would have just had each other for company and nothing more.

Feeling helpless, Basil searches Max's expression for something- anything- he can latch onto, where he might be able to find the words to fix this. Instead, he finds himself glancing over to the shelf, where the secateurs still lay near a potted daisy. He's only forced to look back because it's still watching him, daring him to make a move.]

B-but you didn't! You didn't because you'd never.

[It's easier for Basil to tell a half-truth when it's not about himself, he's suddenly finding. Or...maybe it's because he wholeheartedly believes that.]

I trust you, Max...I do.

You shouldn't.

[ How she looks... She looks feverish, honestly. She says this, a shaky whisper, but she makes no attempts to pull away. Can't even be strong enough to stand on her own anymore. ]

I'll- I'm gonna hurt you. I m-may not- I won't mean to. But I'm- I'm not a good person, Basil, I'm- angry, and mean, and- n-nothing made me that way.

[ Something aches behind her eyes. It's not exactly true. But a part of her wholeheartedly believes it. ]

I'm sick. [ What Lucas- Vecna said, parroted, eyes drifting down, away from the blurs she can see into the darkness. ] And- this place is only, it's only gonna m-make me worse, 'til I'm- just as bad as- Billy, or Neil, I'm not- good enough, fo- for any of you.

[ Fervent almost whispers. A limp hand grasps for Basil's tail, nevertheless. She's saying what she believes, but at the same time—don't leave me please don't leave me i can't be alone again

It all makes her sick. She makes herself sick. ]

Edited (no enter key let me finish entering my content warnings) 2023-04-22 22:55 (UTC)

[Basil nearly interrupts her. You're sick? You're not sick. I'm the one who's sick. But through sheer force of will (and, like, caring enough about Max to not interject with "my pain is worse than yours actually"), Basil bites it back. He swallows the words down and just listens to her instead, even though it hurts to hear her say such things about herself. Because no matter how mean, or what she might say to him...

He shakes his head a little, and when Max reaches for his tail, it reacts to her reflexively, the edge of it trying to curl around her wrist. The tip looks so much like a flower, with its long, soft texture that's almost velvet, fur-like.]

I don't care.

[Is what he finally ends up saying, which is- like everything else he's said so far- the truth.]

A bad person...w-wouldn't have helped me and Gladion like you did. Or take me on rides in her car...or make me laugh, when I feel like I don't have anything worth laughing about anymore.

[That much...he can feel confident in saying without the magic stopping him. Because it's all true.]

You...aren't perfect. Maybe you...aren't good, either. But you're not bad.

[Not unfixable, like he is.]

We can just... [A weak sort of derisive smile works its way onto Basil's features, because he's not just talking to Max now, as It watches him over her shoulder.] ...be not good, together.

[ It shakes her to her core, because she knows for certain that he's not lying to her.

He doesn't care, everything he's seen so far... It outweighs the rest of it.

And though it feels good—the assurance, the reciprocation to her request for physical comfort—

(she hadn't thought it would feel like this. so soft.)

She has to set him straight. If he knew, he wouldn't say that. She just has to explain.

Except she still feels dizzy. Maybe it's worse with her eyes closed, so she blinks them open, even though her head feels too weak to raise. She thinks the non-broken antler's digging into his shoulder. ]

Nn- no, you...

[ Much like Basil, she can't let that stand. ]

Basil... You're not... You're- so nice. And sweet. You...don't even get mad when I- say you're a nerd or, when I'm being just a- total bitch. You aren't- broken.

[ Right? ]

[Even if Max were leaning her entire weight against him, Basil isn't sure it would matter to him right now. The surge of self-loathing that wells up in him when she starts to talk about how nice and sweet he is...is almost too much to bear. Because she's wrong, he's hiding something terrible. A terrible, awful secret, and it's not even for his own sake.

He has to protect Sunny. He promised him that everything would be okay.

But Something is still watching him from the corner, as if daring him to continue to try to lie.

Basil's breath suddenly hitches, a painful catch in the back of his throat. He shrinks back slightly, but it isn't Max he's hiding away from. Actually, he's...hiding behind Max, turning his head away, against her shoulder, unable to bear the weight of Something staring into his soul. It's that same corner, always watching, never leaving...]

...t.....there's no way out of this...

[Is there?]

[ Basil moves, and Max wobbles. For a moment she thinks he's trying to get away from her—but no, he's burrowing into her, more like.

And it reminds her. The question he'd first asked, do you see it, too?

He's hiding. He's hiding from something, and she'd forgotten.

Max finally summons the strength to lift her head. The flowers on Basil's horns finally aren't blinding her, probably because of the angle. Still, as she tries to see what he cowers from, there's nothing there. ]

Basil...? What...are you hiding from...?

[When Max asks him that simple question, Basil lets out a pained sound. He curls up tighter, and suddenly he's lifting his hands to hold them over his head, pinning his ears to his skull.]

N-no....no no no....stop- please stop-

[He's whispering, fervently, yet he has not drawn away from Max at all. It's not as if he's telling her to stop. If anything he's curled up even smaller against her. If he was alone, he would have curled up entirely into a ball by now in the hopes that he could block out the noise, but he can't.

It's the noise. It continues, sounding eerily like Sunny playing his violin.

He sucks in another breath, this one sounding like he's heaving, and when he exhales smoke comes with it.]

Everything is going to be okay...everything is going to be okay...

[ That's what he said before. In the Pale Fog. It served as a mantra, when her music wasn't working. It grounded her.

But right now...

Right now it sounds like it's a more like a noose. ]

Basil? B-Basil- who's- hurting you? [ He's curling up against her. She's still leaning against him to stay upright, but now he's hiding against her, they're leaning on each other, and it really is like the Pale Fog, isn't it?

One hand holds his tail. The other, shaking still, rests against his head. ]

Pl- please... I want to know. I want to help.

[ She can't be anything but truthful right now. ]

[Finally...finally, Basil can't take it any longer. The guilt is weighing down on him so heavily he feels like he can't breathe. The presence, Something, is all around them now. There is only one way to escape this hell now, and it's too far away for Basil to reach.

You're the worst, Basil!]

I'm...I-I'm the worst...

[He breathes, exhaling on a shaking laugh as he draws away from Max. He doesn't move far enough that she won't still be able to hold onto him in some way if she'd like, but he's no longer curled up small against her, trying to keep himself hidden from the world. He leans back on his heels so he can look at her directly, and his eyes...they almost look red, in the light.

For the first time possibly ever, he looks scary, like this.]

Max...if you knew, you'd hate me. You'll hate me.

[The words don't spill from him frantic and unprompted, now. This is something he's apparently thought for a very long time.]

You'll hate me as much as I hate myself. And then...

[...]

Everyone will be gone, again.

[His parents. His friends. Sunny.

He'll be alone, in his room, with only Something to keep him company, urging him to finally put an end to his suffering.]

[ Basil moves, and her hand slips off his head. It remains hanging in the air for a moment, weak and damp. His natural fire's started to warm her, dry her—but only a little.

Now, she's stuck staring at his eyes. That's not right.

This isn't right. ]

Wha... [ Her mouth feels dry, which is funny, considering how much lake water she's swallowed today.

If she asks him, he'll have to answer. That thought lays unbidden in the back of her mind. ]

I don't...wanna leave you.

[ Here, huddled on the ground in a dark room, gentle blue glow enveloping them... It feels like Max is back in the attic of the Creel House. There, she ripped herself open voluntarily, and for her troubles Vecna spun her a vision wherein her worst fears came true—that when those she loves most hear what's in her head, they'll reject her.

They'll egg on the pain dragging her down into the depths of her own misery.

Is this like that? Are her and Basil...more similar than she'd realized?

Max holds as firm as she can to his tail. It's not firm at all, and if he wants he could probably pull it free, but still. ]

I... I thought everyone would leave me too. If- if they knew. So... I pushed them. I- pushed all of them away, instead. So...they wouldn't know what kind of person I am. How much [ a swallow of nothing, her lips trembling ] I wa- wanted to die, how much I- prayed for something...terrible to happen to me.

[ It's happening again. That attic, only filled with blue light, where she spilled her guts. Where she died. Even though it feels like she's a step from death again, she's not there. This isn't there. She keeps reminding herself that.

And she keeps talking, more voluntarily than she could've imagined. ]

But if I'd s-said something, sooner, maybe... Maybe it wouldn't've turned out like it did.

[ Bleeding so much she went numb. Eyes white and milky. Unable to even feel Lucas' arms around her. ]

If I'd talked to the- the people who loved me, maybe... I wouldn't've... [ This one she holds in. Because if she says it, it'll derail everything. She bites down on her lip, just staring into his inexplicably frightening eyes, until the wave of pain passes. ]

I want- to stay. I want to- listen. I want to listen to you.

[Basil and Max are more similar than either of them realize. Their circumstances are different, but...on the inside, they share the same struggles. The same demons. Never once has Basil felt secure enough to go to someone and tell them he needs help, because preserving the status quo had been too important. He was the one to make the snap decision that night, because if he hadn't...to this day, he has no idea what might have befallen them. But in the end, what happens to him...it matters so little, compared to the secret he's kept this whole time.

If he gives it now...it will be over. Even though he's so far from home...he's convinced himself of that fact.

...but then he remembers. There is one other, isn't there? And a promise they'd made.

So many promises. One day, Basil will be so burdened by them that he won't be able to take it anymore. But as the truth dances on the tip of his tongue, he realizes it's his only escape.

For a moment, his eyes dart. Then, he's reaching for Max's free hand, holding it tight in his own. It's warm, but not hot.

He wishes he could talk about something else. About Max...literally anything. But that, too, feels selfish. To focus on someone else's struggles, to try and hide from his own...]

Y...you have to promise me. Promise, you won't tell anyone.

Please.

[He has no more time left, after this. He can't put it off any longer, as the violin screeches through the window, frantic and spiraling.]

[ Max doesn't like promises.

Whenever they're made to her, they always end up being broken.

But right now, as she sits here, she remembers, "Do you accept the risk?" and where it got her, and how in the end she'd do it all again, if she could help her friends.

All of it. ]

I promise. [ She tries to squeeze his hand, but she's too weak. ] I promise, I won't tell.

[He's sorry, Max. He had to ask, because he knew...you couldn't lie.

Which means when he tells you his story, you will really keep your promise.

...but that doesn't mean he isn't already crying, before the words leave his mouth. He can't help it, it feels so much like this is going to be the end. Even Katurian, who knows so much, doesn't really KNOW. He doesn't know the full story, and how Basil was the orchestrator of the entire lie.

But even through his tears, Basil speaks, because he couldn't stop himself if he wanted to. He's...not even sure if he's telling this on his own terms, though he wishes he could see it that way. It would make things so much easier.]

Back home...four years ago. I u-used to have a group of friends. We were all really close...and we did everything together. They were...t-the first real friends I ever had, and they meant everything to me.

Sunny and Mari were brother and sister. T-they were going to have a music recital...with Mari playing the piano, and Sunny on the violin. We...we were all supposed to head to the auditorium together, b-but...I decided to hang back to wish them good luck.

I came in through the front door...but I could hear yelling. They were arguing, at the top of the stairs...S-Sunny...he'd thrown his violin onto the ground. It was all broken...

...and. And then he-

[Basil tilts his head up a little, looking past Max once more. The eye bears down on him, and for a moment he fears for his life. If Max wasn't there, he could have stopped this by now.

But he continues, even as the words pitch high in the back of his throat, distorted by his sobbing.]

No. Something pushed her... [He exhales deeply, smoke ekeing its way past his fangs. He feels sick.] And s...she wasn't moving.

I c-couldn't...if I didn't do something, they'd all think Sunny did it. He'd never do something like that! He's a good person!!

[Like they aren't.]

.....I dragged her to the backyard. I...I hung her. It looked just like...like she...

[...]

Something killed Mari.

Something ruined all of my photos.

I didn't say anything...

...I'm scared.

[ Max listens.

She said she wanted to, and she does. She promised. She won't break it. She's been handed something so, so precious, and she won't break it. His most vulnerable parts. The things that could destroy him.

Basil looks behind her, and Max almost follows his gaze. Now, however, she's starting to understand.

It's like Billy. A creature got inside Basil's friend, Sunny, and he did things that he would never do.

(It isn't exactly like Billy. Billy still hurt her—but, he wouldn't have tried to kill her. He wouldn't have grabbed for her, screaming about how he would gut her—)

He killed his sister and Basil, out of fear for his friend, covered it up.

Max blinks out tears. She doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know what to say. Everything's coming up blank, except for one thing, as she keeps holding his hand— ]

I... I get it. I understand.

[ She sounds breathless. She feels breathless. She'd forgotten how that felt until today. ]

I don't hate you. I— Basil, I'm...so sorry.

[Basil's jaws tremble. He looks back at Max with wide, disbelieving eyes, because he was certain that the moment the truth left him, she would realize how much of a lie he'd been living this whole time. He's not good, or sweet, or any of those things. He's fucked up, he's a liar, he's the monster who ruined his friends' lives for so many years. It's no wonder they all fell apart. No wonder Sunny became a recluse. No wonder Aubrey hates him. No wonder Kel made new friends. No wonder Hero left for college, depressed and despondent.

He ruined everything. Their wonderful lives, their happiness...

Now Basil is really crying. Not barely restrained, whimpering cries, but full-on, body wracking sobs. He wails, choking on his own breaths because there's nothing left to hide anymore.

He hates how his shoulders feel a bit lighter, having finally told someone, even if it isn't someone who could really do anything about it.]

I h-hate it, Max! It hurts! And n-now...now Sunny is leaving me, he's m-moving away...!

[Away is said with an unusual amount of vitriol that drips from the word, like Basil is incensed at the idea that Sunny could just...leave him, like that. Alone, to carry this burden by himself.]

...b-but maybe...

[...]

If I'm dead...it doesn't m-matter anymore, does it? If I died, it wouldn't matter.

[Basil at this point...has nothing left to give. He has more he could tell her, sure, but this is obviously the big one that's been haunting him. And now he seems smaller than ever, hunched up and shivering as he pulls his wings around himself. And maybe, for the first time, Max will see them.

Eyes, on his wings. Staring up at her.]

[ I just want you to take me away.

Max watches Basil sob with wide eyes. She watches him, so completely open for perhaps the first time. Wailing and sobbing in front of her, as she holds his hand, his tail.

And I want you...to make me disappear.

Her confession in that quiet attic. The first time she'd said it out loud. The very first time she acknowledged it, to anyone, to herself, didn't just let it float around in her head.

The blue lights. Back in that quiet attic, now she's the one standing on the sidelines like Lucas, listening. In the vision, Lucas spoke up. He condemned her. It was something he'd never do, but Max fell for it anyway, in her emotional state. Vecna could've spun anything and in the moment, she would've believed it. She was vulnerable. The most vulnerable.

Like Basil is, right now.

Max pulls with what little strength she has on Basil's hand. She wants to pull him into a hug, the tightest one she can manage right now. ]

No. No, no, no it- it matters. It still matters. You still matter.

[ The eyes stare at her. The eyes on his wings. It's terrifying, unnerving.

But it's also dark. With the little light and her own damaged eyes, it's hard to study them.

And what matters most right now is Basil, anyway. What she says to him, in this moment, matters. And her mouth, as it always does, goes without her permission.

Thankfully this time, it doesn't say anything she disagrees with. ]

I'm sorry. I'm so, so so- sorry, but you- you matter. You matter so, so much.

[The night Mari died, Basil didn't have any support. Sunny had Basil, but it would be a far cry to say that Basil had Sunny, who was catatonic and nonverbal the entire time. Basil was the one who told Sunny everything would be okay, when in reality, all he'd wanted was to hear those words said to him, just once. He knows it's selfish, to want something like that so desperately...but when you've been alone for as long as he has, it's hard not to.

So when Max settles into that postion all on her own, it's so overwhelming that it's almost too much. Max pulls his hand, and she barely needs to exert any effort now to get Basil to move. He practically falls into her arms- though not so much as to knock them both over- his own wrapping unconsciously around her because it's what he needs, right now. The compulsion to bare everything has worn him down and exhausted every terrible thought, leaving him feeling hollow like he's been scooped out.

You matter.

Basil's grip is weak, but he holds onto Max in return. He hugs her, and though he can still see It in the corner, he's able to more easily ignore its presence watching him as they kneel on the floor together. She's...so cold, and normally that might be more of a problem, but Basil's heat balances it out. Between the two of them, somehow, they make up one normal body.]

...I d-don't deserve you.

[He suddenly whispers, his head laying gently against her shoulder now.]

A-all that stuff...you said...

[Basil shakes his head a little, tail curving around the both of them.]

Y-you've proven it wrong.

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, CHARACTER NAME/ALIAS. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 018.07.154.55 * CHARACTER NAME/ALIAS has joined 018.07.154.55 <Daisy>This is Basil! I'm not around right now, but if you leave a message I'll get back to it as soon as I can. <BANNED USER> SCREENED MESSAGE. UNSCREEN? Y/N -- sample for when you ban someone <USERNAME> First sentence of message. <USERNAME>** First sentence of message.

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